GTBank’s New Mantra: ‘We’ll Take Your Money Faster Than We’ll Give It Back’

Imagine this: you’re a hardworking Nigerian, a proud national, and you decide to trust your hard-earned cash with GTBank. They accept your deposit with the speed of a cheetah chasing down its prey. But oh, the moment you ask for your money back? Suddenly, GTBank transforms into a sloth, moving at a pace that would make snail races seem like the Indy 500.

Let’s talk about their foreign exchange transfers, shall we? You need to send some dollars abroad, maybe for your kid’s education, or to grab that dream vacation before life gets too real. GTBank, in its infinite wisdom, decides it’s the perfect time to practice extreme procrastination. The funds sit in a digital limbo, while you’re left wondering if your money has decided to take a gap year in cyberspace.

And the customer service? Oh, don’t get me started. You call, you tweet, you email, and what do you get? Silence, or if you’re lucky, a robotic response promising action “soon.” Soon in GTBank time could well be when your grandchildren are asking about your adventurous tales of banking in Nigeria.

Their app? It’s like the banking equivalent of a slow-motion replay in a football match where nothing exciting ever happens. You tap, you swipe, you pray, and if you’re blessed, you might just see a transaction go through before you’re ready for your pension.

Now, let’s not forget the irony of GTBank’s recent escapades with freedom of speech. They seem more eager to arrest bloggers and journalists than to process your withdrawal. It’s almost as if they think, “Why deal with banking issues when you can muzzle the media?”

So here’s to you, GTBank, for teaching us patience through sheer frustration. For every day you delay my withdrawal, I learn to meditate, to breathe, to accept that maybe, just maybe, my money will one day see the light of my account again. And for those foreign transfers? I’ve learned to plan trips to countries where Naira is still king because, at this rate, dollars might become a myth.

In conclusion, GTBank, if you’re reading this (which I doubt, because you’re too busy not processing transactions), remember your customers aren’t just numbers in your system. We’re the ones who fuel your existence, so maybe, just maybe, treat us with a bit more urgency than you reserve for silencing critics. Until then, I’ll keep my money where I can see it, because clearly, you can’t see it moving out of your vaults fast enough.

Here’s to faster banking, or at least banking that doesn’t require a new set of grey hairs for every transaction.