How To Rig (Win) Elections In Nigeria

If you are new to the art of rigging (sorry, winning) elections in Nigeria, welcome! The political terrain is tough, and if you are not willing to bend the rules, well, you are simply not playing the game. Here’s a no-nonsense, step-by-step breakdown of how to tilt the odds in your favour and ensure that your “victory” is inevitable.

Are you tired of playing fair? Sick of losing elections even when you’ve done all the hard work? Well, look no further! In this sarcastic guide, you will learn just how easy it is to rig (sorry, win) an election. After all, why leave your fate in the hands of voters when you can be in full control?

Master the Art of Pre-election Rigging

Why wait until election day? Start early by inflating the number of registered voters. A little manipulation here, a ghost voter there, and suddenly you’ve got entire cemeteries coming out to vote for you! Thankfully, ghost voters are low maintenance, and they don’t need transport, refreshments or bribes and can’t complain!

Then ensure that voter cards are distributed only to people who love or owe you. Better still, you can conveniently “lose” the voter cards of opposition strongholds and ensure they face all sorts of obstacles like polling units opening very late and shortage of ballot papers. When ‘bad’ people give up and go home, you’ve already won half the battle. In this game, control is key! Why bother letting everyone vote when only the “right” people should?

The key to rigging an election lies in how cosy you are with electoral officials. Build relationships, foster mutual “understanding,” and who knows, you might get election results adjusted in your favour! Ensure you have backup results ready in case things go south with the official tally. For the ruling party, defeat is not an option unless you are ready to go to prison for all the crimes your ‘selected’ officials have committed.

In today’s digital age, no rigging strategy is complete without propaganda. Trolls, bots, and fake news accounts can help sway public opinion, undermine your opponent’s credibility, and even justify your inevitable “victory.” Don’t forget to flood the internet with doctored images of massive crowds at your rallies! Let everyone know you are married with children so they can vote for you based on your marital and fertility status. Get some influencers on your payroll to trend a catchy hashtag.

Election Day Shenanigans

Why let voters decide when you can fill the ballot boxes yourself? It’s simple, all you need is a little cooperation from “interested parties and the electoral officials.” Just hire some trustworthy hands to cast “votes” for people who didn’t bother to show up.  Who cares about actual voters when your thumbprints are so prolific? Do you really want to risk leaving something as important as voting to the public?

Why rely on campaign promises when cold, hard cash works wonders? Simply distribute “gifts” or ‘palliatives’ in Nigeria post-COVID-19 speak (bags of rice, cash, or even motorbikes!) on election day. Ensure that these “tokens of appreciation” reach the hands of undecided voters just before they enter the polling booth. A full stomach makes for a loyal voter, and stomach infrastructure rules!

Use intimidation. If you thought elections were about peaceful rallies and friendly debates, think again! Mobilizing a squad of “area boys” to intimidate voters is a tried-and-tested method. These fine young men can harass anyone bold enough to show up, especially those with the audacity to wear opposition party colours. Don’t forget to destroy a few ballot boxes for dramatic effect!

If all else fails, delay voting materials. Time is money, but in election rigging, time is votes. Conveniently “delay” the arrival of voting materials to areas where your opponent is strongest. That way, voters who planned to vote for the other party just give up and go home after waiting in the sun for six hours.

Ballot boxes are mysterious things—they can go missing without a trace, especially on their way to the collation centres and in opposition strongholds. Have a few boxes conveniently reappear with just the right number of votes in your favour.

Election day isn’t complete without delays. “Technical difficulties” with card readers, registration issues, and unexpected power outages can really enhance the voter frustration experience. If the opposition areas face enough hurdles, people might just decide not to vote at all. The fewer votes, the easier the win!

The Post-election Magic

Once voting is done, the collation centre is where the numbers can magically change. If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll have your loyal people at every step. They can “interpret” the results and bump up your numbers for the win.

Then be sure to declare the results in the dead of night when, according to African folklore and religious people, evil thrives the most. Timing is everything! When you finally announce the “official” results, the opposition won’t be ready, and most Nigerians will be asleep. By the time everyone wakes up, it’s too late to protest and you are already trending on social media as the new “People’s Choice.”

However, in case the opposition cries foul and decides to take you to court, don’t worry. Courts in Nigeria love long adjournments. By the time any ruling is made, you will already be two years into your term and comfortably ensconced in power. The beauty of the system is that justice moves at the speed of a snail.

Post-rigging Damage Control

Now, it is time to hold a victory speech and thank God and the people. Go on air and declare how the election was the most transparent in history. Praise the electorate for choosing you of their own free will. Make sure to emphasize words like “peaceful,” “credible,” and “democracy.” It doesn’t matter if everyone knows it’s a lie — it’s your truth.

Don’t forget to throw a celebration complete with ‘asoebi’. Nigerians love a good party as the happiest people on earth. Nothing screams legitimacy like a victory thanksgiving. Invite traditional rulers, celebrities and clergy including the opposition and those you rigged out, so their bad belle will calm down. Remember, after the rigging is done, public perception is everything. Hand out titles, appointments, awards, and contracts to those who “helped” along the way.

Elections are grossly overrated, why leave things to chance when you can control the outcome? But if you are tired of electoral malpractice and feeling nostalgic for true democracy, you could try issue-based campaigning, free and fair elections that ensure voter integrity and a system that reflects the true will of the people.

Rigging (sorry, winning) elections is not for the faint-hearted. It requires skill, coordination, and a blatant disregard for the rule of law. With enough malpractice and a strong stomach for irony, you too can succeed in Nigerian politics! Remember, in this game, it’s not about who votes, but who counts the votes. After all, election rigging tradition is part of the charm of politics here. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the next round of “democracy” — rigged to perfection!

Disclaimer: This article is purely sarcastic and in no way encourages or endorses unethical practices. Credible elections are the foundation of democracy. The sarcasm in this guide is intended to shed light on the practices that undermine it as well and highlight the ridiculousness of electoral malpractice. True democracy requires transparency, fairness, and accountability.