Letter #14 to brides and brides-to-be

Dear Ainose, Habits do matter. There are bad habits we pick up during our single and dating years that follow us into marriage and ‘pour sand-sand in our garri’. That’s just the way it is. Some men don’t like to bathe, and some women speak truths without grace. Some of these habits simply waste the happy moments that make life rich and full, while others are downright destructive.

Here are three awful habits I wish I had done away with before becoming a wife:
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1. Loving my own company too much

I’ve always loved my own company. Growing up with two brothers who were always playing with each other, I learned very early to be okay by myself. Good Lord! I could stay indoors alone for three days as long as I had food, books, and music. Before I started working on this, it took a lot of effort to pry myself away from my own company and attend to other living souls for a while. Each time I hung out with friends, I would think, “This is really nice; I should do it more often.” Then, as soon as I left the gathering, I would slip right back into my regular lifestyle.

Guess who sucked at the companionship side of marriage? I always had one thing or the other to do, was always lying alone in a dark, cool room listening to music, or I had my face buried in a book. My poor husband! I should make it up to him all over again as soon as I’m done writing this.

If you want to build a lasting marriage and you’re anything like me, please start weaning yourself off your own company gradually. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

2. Aversion to co-dependence

You know that “you scratch my back, I scratch your back” common sense? I didn’t subscribe to it or want anyone to scratch my back;  Also, I had invested in a very good back scratcher, thank you. I didn’t want to feel indebted to anybody in any way because I was committed to organising my time and resources to avoid asking any man for favours. I paid for my own stuff and I went without anything I couldn’t afford.

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If I had to ask and your face even looked like it was going to be one kind, I was off to do my thing by myself. Now—don’t get me wrong—independence is good, and I am glad I trained myself to live that way, but when you take it so far that you see depending on someone as a weakness, you are setting yourself up for failure in marriage—and dare I say, in life. As a new bride, my husband would say, “Joy, allow me to take care of you,” and in my mind, I would think, “Ehen, so that the day you don’t want to, I will now be needy abi? Abeg abeg abeg!” The poor man was probably frustrated.

Co-dependence is actually part of marriage. The ability to lean on your partner is often a sign of a healthy relationship.

3. Slacking

I used to be the person who liked organising surprise treats, hiding love notes in places, and arranging romantic dinners. You know those people who used to go to the cybercafé to send those musical email cards you could schedule to deliver on a certain date? The ones who used to call radio stations to dedicate songs? Yup! Suddenly, I wasn’t that person anymore. Maybe it was being alone for extended periods. I just didn’t have the energy or inclination to work at things, to compromise, to go the extra mile. And Love, the living thing that it is, will die if it is not fed. The same goes for its cousin, Passion. You have to stir these things up and actively fan the flame.

The people who get the most out of marriage are those who put the most into it.

If you’re lazy when it comes to loving, start building your muscles before you tie that knot.

Have you ever been so happy and fulfilled in a relationship that you just couldn’t wait to make it permanent? Train yourself now and build a fabulous relationship…then keep at it after “I do”. Don’t waste any precious moments like I did.

So, tell me truly, which bad habits do you think you need to drop?

Love,
Joy.