My marriage… With Temitope Olaniyi

What attracted you to your husband?

I met him during NYSC. We served in Ondo State, and he was the secretary. We called him Uncle. He was a batch ahead of me. We were friends. When he was leaving, he asked me to marry him. And that was it. We’ve been married for eight years.

How has your experience been so far?

It’s been good. We get to know each other more. The beautiful part of it is that he supports my vision and goes all out to ensure that I impact the younger generation through my work as a parenting coach.

As a couple, how do you balance your marriage commitments and careers?

I’d say communication is key. We understand that balance does not mean 50-50; it means prioritising what’s most important at a particular time. When I have to be away from home for work, he’s available to take care of the house. Likewise, I do the same when he’s away. And regardless of whatever it is, we understand that our children are our primary assignment for now. We don’t want to contract the care of our kids to anybody; we want to be the ones to care for and train them ourselves.

From your experience, what have you discovered to be early challenges in marriage?

One of the major challenges is communicating your feelings and expectations to your partner. The reality is that, when you get into marriage, you see the reality. For instance, I’m a bit emotional and used to expect that he should understand whatever I’m going through without me saying anything. But I realised that was wrong, so I became more expressive.

Another challenge is making assumptions, which is similar to not communicating. Also, loving your partner the way you feel you should be loved instead of the way they want to be loved. This is why understanding your partner’s love language is essential.

Another challenge is not having guidance. We had a relationship mentor, which I believe every couple should have. That person can serve as a third party to go through instead of sharing your issues with just anyone. That person should ideally be spiritually inclined and have some relationship experience.

What advice do you have for adults hoping for a romantic relationship that may lead to marriage?

Generally, knowing who you’re going into a marriage with is very important. Not knowing the direction you’re going with the person you want to marry is risky. You must also know where you are going. You cannot be unsure of what you want and expect that it’ll work out with the person you want to date.

Also, look at compatibility. It’s good to understand whether you are compatible with that person before moving forward with the relationship.

Dating is not always about going out and eating every time. Ask questions and get to know each other. Create scenarios and see how your partner reacts. Ask questions on parenting.

Ensure you’re on the same page; it’s best if your values align.

Don’t overlook red flags. Take note of how your partner relates to others. If they lie to people, be sure that they will eventually lie to you. Don’t tolerate physical or emotional abuse for any reason. Don’t think that if you don’t marry that person, you’ll be single for life. You can always find a better person.

Also, try to meet your intended in-laws. If they don’t like you, be cautious about that marriage.

Another thing is to make sure your genotypes match. There’s no sense in trusting God to give you healthy children when you know your genotypes don’t match.

If you must trust God, set your faith for Him to change your genotypes before entering that marriage.

Finally, trust God to help you handle your relationship.

What do you want intending couples to know about marriage?

Marriage is a commitment, so you have to be sure that you’re ready to give your all before going into it. Marriage is not 50-50; it’s about both partners bringing in their best and being ready to make it work. Many people go into marriage with the idea that if it doesn’t work, they can walk away. And whatever you believe in your mind can eventually come to pass. If you think it’s not going to work, then it won’t.

Also, be prepared and ready for it. Don’t try to test the waters. You have to be ready financially, psychologically, and in every other way. Don’t let anyone pressure you into marriage. Pressure doesn’t end after marriage.

There will always be pressure. Be sure that you’re going into the relationship or marriage for the right reasons.

Another thing to know is that partners should settle whatever issues they have. There will always be moments when toes are stepped on. So, the earlier you settle, the quicker you move on. You don’t have to hold grudges for days.