4 hours ago
1
Thirty-two-year-old beautician, Adejumoke Balogun, shares with TEMITOPE ADETUNJI her pain, endurance of 15 years of relentless abuse by her husband, and a harrowing journey that has left her blind in one eye
In a recent social media post, you shared deeply distressing images of the severe abuse you endured from your husband, which left lasting damage to your left eye. You also mentioned that the abusive relationship spanned 15 years. Can you share the painful journey that led to this point and how you’ve been coping with these experiences?
I live in Sango Ota, Ogun State, where this recent assault took place. My journey with abuse started back when I was at Moshood Abiola Polytechnic studying Statistics and Mathematics. The violence began even before we got married. We didn’t have a proper or legal wedding, and along the way, I became pregnant with his child, Balogun Jamiu.
You mentioned that the abuse began before you even became pregnant. What made you decide to marry him despite recognising the abusive behaviour earlier on?
Before I got pregnant, we were just friends. I told him I had a boyfriend in Ibadan, but he assured me it wasn’t a problem. We started talking, and I didn’t know things would get bad. My friends and boyfriend in Ibadan were planning a surprise for my birthday. My boyfriend, a student at OAU, came to my school with cake and gifts, and I was overwhelmed by the surprise. We even went to a photo studio to take pictures together.
But my current husband showed up at the school and immediately gave us an attitude. He left but came back after I saw my boyfriend off. He insisted on talking to me, and when I stepped out to meet him, he dragged me into his car, slammed the door, and began mercilessly beating me while someone else drove. It took him a while to stop when I finally told him that the person he saw earlier was the boyfriend I had mentioned to him. Only then did he apologise, saying he didn’t know. He dropped me off, and I had to find my way back home.
At that point, I decided that I would not allow this to happen again, and I would have nothing more to do with him. His friends begged me to reconsider, but I was firm. However, things took an unexpected turn when I lost contact with my boyfriend (now my ex) around 2009 after losing my phone, and we stopped communicating for a while. That was when I got involved with this man, now my husband, and, eventually, I became pregnant. That pregnancy led to our marriage. At the time, I had already completed my National Diploma exams, and yes, I was pregnant when I wrote my final exams. That’s how I ended up becoming his wife.
We rented an apartment in Agbado and began living together, but I didn’t know he had a family. One day, I saw a message on his phone about a child’s school fees. When I confronted him, he lied, saying it was his sister’s children and that he was helping with their school fees. I believed him but later found out he had two children from two different women, who were like “baby mamas” to him. One had a son, the other a daughter. I was shocked.
I gave birth to a son, and that’s when the violence started. His controlling behaviour grew worse. He would clone my phone, and hack into my Facebook and WhatsApp to see if I was talking to anyone. If he found even a simple “hi” from a male, he would accuse me and abuse me repeatedly.
How many children did you have for him?
I had two children for him. It was after I had my second child that I went back for my Higher National Diploma. My dad supported me with my fees, including this man, and he started the assault again.
Why did you decide to have a second child after discovering the kind of person he was?
He would always apologise after each abusive episode, promising to change. But by then, I was trapped, helpless. My family wouldn’t take me back because it is considered shameful in our Yoruba culture for a married woman to return to her father’s house. The societal pressure, the shame, it all kept me in that toxic relationship.
The abuse didn’t stop. I couldn’t deny him sex; if I did, he’d beat me. I couldn’t talk back without facing violence. After each incident, he would beg me, making promises he never kept. He felt that the age difference between us was high. He doesn’t like the way I take care of myself as I don’t have to depend on him; he is 42 and I am 32.
What about your parents? What has been their reaction to all this?
My parents are separated. My dad remarried, and I couldn’t return to my father’s house because I knew I would be mocked by people. When my parents’ marriage was dissolved in court, my stepmother took us in.
Where is your mother now?
My mother has been struggling. Before the issues with my dad, she ran a fufu business, and we even helped her by hawking it on the streets. But my dad, who is an accountant, didn’t approve of it, especially when people reported seeing us selling fufu. Eventually, he took us away from her. Life hasn’t been easy for her, and she has been unable to support me much. Despite everything, she always encouraged me to be patient with my husband, trying to keep the peace.
At some point, they even used reverse psychology, suggesting that I was at fault in my marriage, telling me that as a woman, I shouldn’t be so active on social media or interact with men. But there was no evidence to suggest I was involved with anyone.
What led to this recent assault?
On Thursday, November 14, 2024, I attended a wedding party after informing my husband about it. At that time, my stepdaughter, who is 17, was living with us. She had lost her older brother from another mother some years ago, and I took her in about two years ago. I taught her everything I know as a beautician, and she calls me “Mum.” Her biological mother has even called to thank me for caring for her.
That day, before leaving for the party, I went to my shop and told her to stay and focus on her work, as she was still learning her vocational skills. I explained how important it was for her to concentrate, especially since I was the person working. My husband, on the other hand, never told me he was involved in Yahoo business (cybercrime). He initially claimed to be a car dealer, but over time, he was involved in something completely different, cybercrime. Now, he is into forex trading.
After leaving the shop, I attended the party and returned home later in the evening, only to discover a troubling situation. I asked Aliyah, my stepdaughter, if she had cooked food, and she told me that my husband had taken her phone earlier. I was shocked. She explained that he had come to the shop looking for her, and when he couldn’t find her, he waited, took her phone, and accused her of seeing a boyfriend. He even threatened her, saying she wasn’t welcome in the house anymore.
It was in the night, and I told her to sleep, with the younger children, unaware that my husband had gone to a beer parlour. When he returned around 10:30 pm, he stormed into Aliyah’s room, woke her up, and chased her out of the house. Earlier that day, my apprentice had already told me he had beaten Aliyah at the shop.
I pleaded that if he no longer wanted her in the house, he should let her stay the night and send her to her mother the next day. Instead of listening, he turned his anger on me. He stormed into my room, accusing me of making his daughter misbehave. I was shocked at the false accusations.
I explained that Aliyah said she had gone to collect thrift savings from a friend on the next street, but he wouldn’t listen. Instead, he snatched my phone and escalated the situation. Before I knew it, he started hitting me. He punched and kicked me relentlessly, even as I screamed that I could not see with my left eye. He continued to punch me without stopping.
He chased me out of the house into the compound. My second child screamed, alerting the neighbours. When they arrived, he lied, claiming I had slapped him first, a ridiculous accusation. That night, he even called my mother to tell her that I had misbehaved, twisting the story completely against me.
When my mum and sister arrived and saw my battered face, they were horrified. My sister, a single mother who had left her abusive marriage, was especially pained. But my husband accused her of conspiring with me to ruin his daughter’s life, dragging her into his baseless accusations.
What did you do next?
Some people urged me to settle with him and return to the house. I pretended to agree, only to regain access to my phone. While he tried to massage my face with a towel and cold water, I remained calm but resolute. I contacted my best friend, who came with her car. My sister also arrived with a bike, and together, we gathered a few clothes and left with my children.
We went straight to Obasanjo Police Station to report the incident. I was given a medical form and went to the general hospital, where I received treatment. The police assigned a sergeant to arrest him, but when they reached the house, he had already taken Aliyah to her mother. He evaded arrest that day, but it marked the beginning of my decision to break free from the cycle of abuse.
So, have the police arrested him since that day?
No, they haven’t found him up till now.
Where are you staying at the moment?
My children are 13 and 11 years old; my younger son stays with my sister, while my older son is with me. I’m staying at a friend’s place for now, but I can’t disclose the location for safety reasons. I had to move far away because his family had been looking for me to plead with me. They’ve even asked me to take down my post about the incident. There’s no sign of remorse from anyone, likely because he’s their only son.
What help do you need?
I want justice. I need him to be apprehended. I’m pleading with the government and human rights organisations to rescue me. The doctor says he is not sure there’s sight or vision in the left eye. I can only see with one eye now. This isn’t just about me; it’s about ensuring this never happens again to me or anyone else. I’ve lost so much already. I need justice, protection, and support for my children and me to rebuild our lives.
So, what are your demands?
I want divorce; I need a good lawyer, and I want him to go down. This man has made me suffer for 15 years; he thinks I don’t have any person to defend me.
English (US) ·