This gender matter: What’s the fuss?

These thoughts were inspired by a huge outburst between friends (male & female) during a usual ‘Chill Time’. The men boldly declared that, as long as they are physically stronger than we women, they will always be above us and we will never be equal. Those words: above, equal, superior! The age-old war between men and women and whether one is more superior is completely baseless as far as I am concerned. The push for superiority of men because of the role they play and their physical strength is simply a push for power, control and dominance.

Men have more physical strength than women. It is estimated that a typical man will be stronger than 39 in 40 women and that men have 50 per cent more muscle mass and 30 per cent more bone mass than women, both of which contribute significantly to greater physical strength. That’s beautiful and admirable. Men are physically stronger and are by nature, better equipped to handle certain things that women will find difficult. Their role is to protect, lead, preserve, cover. These are admirable qualities and not to be envied at all.

Women have more mental strength than men. Studies show that women have exceptional endurance and are more likely to survive tougher conditions than men. They are built with powerful emotional strength and resilience that allow them nurture, bear pain, stretch without breaking and are known to withstand pressure much more than men, due to the fact that cortisol, the stress hormone, increases more rapidly in men than in women. What they lack in physical strength, is made up for in mental strength.

As far as I am concerned, these strengths are complementary and not competitive. Why did we allow anyone get into our heads and tell us that because we are emotional, we are weak? Emotions are powerful. They enable us to connect with the deepest parts of ourselves and help us express ourselves in ways that are dynamic, colourful and authentic. Emotions are not bad neither are they negative. Inability to control them or allowing them control/rule you… is always the issue. The lack of much physical strength and the presence of mental strength and emotions should not be labelled inferiority. Perhaps the real issue is that many intertwine the roles of men and women in marriage with their roles in society, the corporate or business world. Our roles in society and in marriages differ. There’s no competition in that. The man is the lead. His job is to protect, to provide, (provide vision, direction and materially as well), to preserve and to cover. The woman is an equal partner whose job is to nurture, help, provide mental strength, support and balance needed to navigate the storms of life, partner in fulfilling vision and bring life. How does that make her ‘below’ the man? Two beautiful, separate individuals, with different assignments that are complimentary but focused on one goal and in one direction.

What makes one job/role more important than the other? The two serve each other in their own distinct and unique way. The same commandment of ‘rule, subdue, multiply, dominate the earth’ was given to both genders. Note that the commandment was to rule, subdue and dominate the earth and not the woman or vice versa, in some cases. We were never called to dominate each other. The role of a ‘lead’ is simply that: lead not subdue or dominate. It means take responsibility for others and show the way by example and the reason for this is for order. There will be chaos if everyone on the ship is the captain! If then there’s this understanding, women should stop feeling inferior about their femininity, their beautiful emotions, their power to create and nurture and support.

 It’s such a beautiful thing to watch. It doesn’t mean they are relegated to the background, afraid to take up roles and responsibilities that would require them to ‘be in front’ and ahead of the pack. Let’s not forget that it is mostly in the context of the marriage relationship that these gender roles play out. No man is allowed to attempt to dominate any woman he sees or encounters. Every man on earth cannot be the lead for every woman on earth. How we have allowed that to play out in our everyday lives is most baffling! We, the women, are the ones that have played into the hands of this twisted concept that allows men to subdue women in almost every sphere of life: church, work, business, governance, politics etc.

Men are beautiful and admirable. It must feel great to be physically strong, to lead, to take charge, to take responsibility for everyone. That is applaudable. But it must also be mentally and emotionally draining doing all of that….‘taking the rap’ for everyone, sink or swim it’s on you, confused or not you must lead etc. And that’s where the men should have the comfort of the mental strength of the woman beside you, to cheer you on, to understand your pain, share in it and to tell you when you are missing it, pat you on the back for your wins, to take out of the way any distractions, not to be a distraction herself by being too busy to clap and cheer you on especially when you are winning! Isn’t that such a beautiful rhythm to watch?

To mix up the role of the man and woman in a marriage relationship with the role of the man and a woman in the society at large, is to terribly interrupt or even stop the beautiful rhythm created by the differences in both men and women. These differences actually make us a great team when and if we lean in more towards collaboration rather than competition or unnecessary grandstanding. Both genders have the responsibility to dominate their space in their own separate, distinct ways, but the objective is the same, rule the earth, dominate your space. The competences required to do so are basically the same but the approach and application are different simply because we differ in nature. That shouldn’t be a problem. Should it?

•Soluchy Agu is a talent management specialist and performance coach