Tinubu, Paul Biya and birthday tributes, By Reuben Abati 

“Bros, na wah for you oh. How person go dey call you, you no go pick call?”

“A beg. My head no straight these days.”

“Are you okay? You sick?”

“I sick. I sick well, well, well.”

What is the matter? And your wife could not call family? These women! What is going on?”

“I sick oh. Because my salary can no longer take me home. Nobody is increasing salaries. They don’t even pay as at when due anymore. When I buy fuel, the thing evaporates in 24 hours. My heart is perpetually pumping up and down. My body aches. And Madam is putting me under pressure that we have not yet paid the children’s school fees. I am sick. I can feel it in my bones. Have you not noticed that the fuel we buy these days simply evaporates?

“My brother. Bros. Na wah.”

“Tell me where are we going in this country?”

“President Tinubu and his wife are certain that we are going somewhere that is good. Mrs. Tinubu made the point the other day that we, Nigerians are not seeing what the Lord is doing and that in two years, we will all see the truth.”

“Like Saul who became Paul on the road to Damascus. I beg. Let nobody deceive me. Na hungry I hungry, I am not blind oh. I can see what is going on in Nigeria. What is the Lord doing in Nigeria that Mrs. Tinubu is talking about? She goes to Ife, visits her alma mater, Obafemi Awolowo University and donates one billion Naira. What does she do for a living?  Where did she get the money from? And then she says we, Nigerians must learn to work hard. Oh. Oh. These people. So, I don’t have one billion Naira because I am lazy? And then on top of it all, the Ooni of Ife erects a fake gold statue in her honour. Rochas Okorocha Iberiberism in Ife! And I am here, looking for quality fuel. This country is not okay, I swear.”

“E lo fokan bale. I believe that everything will be okay. President Tinubu is working on it. He is on a working vacation. From England to France. As a Christian, I believe that you will soon see what the Lord is doing.”

“I can see what is going on. We must stop blackmailing God in this matter. I can see that the leaders of Nigeria do not care enough about us. They are going about in luxury jets, SUVs, yachts, and Nigerians are told to work harder and be patient. It is the slave master’s logic. And the President says he is on a working vacation. Okay, what working vacation? It is either you are on vacation which is legitimate, perfectly legitimate. But you are working and you are on vacation? What an oxymoron! And Mrs. Tinubu gets a statue in Ile Ife? As what?” Tell me.”

“As our wife. First Lady. Mother of the Nation. Yoruba wife.”

“I have told you. We are not okay in this country.”

“But I disagree with you that the President cannot go on a working vacation? Mr. Bayo Onanuga has made it clear that the President can run this country from anywhere on the planet. If he so wishes he can leave France and go to Australia and stay there till the end of the year.”

“No. No.  No.  I disagree. Number One. Why must he always go to Britain and France? Number Two. It is not true that he can stay away from Nigeria for as long as he likes. Sections 145 and 146 of the 1999 Constitution are very clear. If he is going to be away due to vacation or incapacitation, he is required by the Constitution to hand over to his Deputy. Did he hand over to the Vice President? Did he inform the National Assembly? He just carried his bags and said he was going on a working vacation? President Tinubu is undermining the Nigerian Constitution.”

“It is his prerogative. He is President. He can delegate as he wishes. The Nigerian President is a monarch. That is the truth.”

“They say he is on a working vacation. I want to know what work he has done. He had to leave Britain just when that country was hosting business leaders from every part of the world to discuss the future of investment and Britain’s economic growth. It would have been a great networking opportunity for Nigeria. But our President left.”

“Again. You miss the point. The International Investment Summit in Central London was strictly by invitation. Elon Musk who wanted to be at the Summit, so desperately, was not invited. Other leaders in the world were not invited. The Summit is not a gathering of the tribes and former colonies.”

“Okay I get the point. Nigeria was not considered important enough. So what work did President Tinubu do or that you know that he did during this working vacation? Nigerians have the right to know”

“No. You cannot order the President around. He is not your prisoner. He is a monarch. Get that straight. Why do Nigerians think that because this is a democracy, they can order the President and his wife around anyhow? What is wrong with us? In fact, we should count ourselves lucky. The people of Cameroon have just been told that it is a breach of national security to talk about the whereabouts of President Paul Biya. Biya was last seen in September when he appeared on television at a function in Beijing. He is 91 years old. He has been ruling Cameroon for more than 41 years, the second longest ruling monarch after Teodoro Obiang Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea. Tinubu is just two years on the throne, you are looking for him. Come on man, he is still better than Paul Biya. I dare say he is even better than President Buhari who spent a total of more than a year outside the country.”

“And is that good for Nigeria? I ask. Answer. Is that how anybody should run a serious country?”

“Don’t worry yourself, Nigeria will survive. We will always survive. President Tinubu told us, have you forgotten? E lo fokan bale.”

“I have my doubts. I am anxious. Which fokan bale is that? Very soon men will lose their wives because they will no longer be men at home. Wives will give up their husbands and homes will be ruined.”

“Be patient bro. Two years.”

“Two years, with this hardship?”

“Something will come up. Naija no dey carry last. Our God will never forsake us.”

“Will you stop that crap? Let the Pastors say that on Sunday to their congregations. All these Pastors who ride limousines and private jets and they preach hope to their poorly-fed church members.”

“Touch not my anointed. Thou shall not speak ill of the people of God.”.

“Very soon, I will stop going to Church. No more paying of tithes. I will use the money to buy fuel and food. The Pastors are still telling people Nigeria go better because people still go to their churches. When people stop showing up, then they will know that something has gone wrong with Nigeria.”

“People will always go to church. The Pastors preach hope. Hope keeps us alive.”

“Go and mark my words. Nigeria is heading to a crossroads where hope will no longer show the way, hope without purpose and direction means nothing. The road called hope must be paved with clear targets. Please where are we?”

“As we speak, I am on my lunch break at work, munching on something, thinking aloud with you”

“I am angry”

“I believe. I hope that tomorrow is another day. Nigeria always survives. We can’t go on like this, yes. Something may change the course of our history. Look at Guyana, a country of 800, 000 people. As of 2009, that country was famous for eco-tourism and its rain forests. In 2015, Exxon Mobil found oil in large quantities in its coastal waters. Today, Guyana, a former British colony way back in 1796, is now an oil rich country, so rich the Prime Minister is promising people free money and free opportunities, the country’s colonial architecture is giving way to glass sealed buildings. It is a new day in Guyana. The Lord that did it for them in that country can do it also for us in Nigeria”

“Bad example. Bad comparison.  Nigeria already travelled through that road before. We found oil and the country scattered. What has oil brought us? It has brought to a point where we cannot even refine our fuel. Something that flows in some people’s father’s backyards. It has brought us to a point where a man from a state where there is no crude oil is now the one refining fuel for Nigeria making all the people who boast about our oil, na my papa get am, look truly stupid.”

“That is life. You can have something, talk about it and not know what to do with it. God has a hand in it. He will then bring somebody who can do it.”

“You always talk back and forth, here and there. I do not know what your people are doing.”

“Which my people? I don’t know them oh. I am just trying to be a good person?”

“You are a PDP man then?”

“Which PDP? Those ones that will fight from now till 2028. They will wake up after the 2027 elections have been won and lost”

“Are you cursing the PDP? The main opposition party in the country?”

“Let me quote Daniel Bwala jare. Kokoro ti n je efo, inu efo lo wa? The maggot that is spoiling the vegetable is inside the vegetable. Do you get it?”

“I get it. No hope for the APC either. Things are so bad even Libya is now insulting Nigeria, in football.”

II. Of Birthdays: Is-haq Oloyede, Taiwo Lakanu and Kayode Owolabi

Many persons that I know and that are dear to me have been celebrating their birthdays in the last week and one of them, Pastor Kayode Owolabi turns 60 on October 17. On October 10, Professor Is-haq Oloyede turned 70. He is the current Registrar and Chief Executive of the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB), a Commander of the Order of the Niger (CON) and a Fellow of the Nigeria Academy of Letters. He is also the Secretary General of the Nigerian Supreme Council of Islamic Affairs, the 8th and former Vice Chancellor of the University of Ilorin, former Chairman of the Association of Vice Chancellors of Nigerian Universities and Committee of Vice Chancellors, and former President of the Association of African Universities.

Oloyede is one of such Diamonds who have spent a lifetime excelling in whatever they do, from his emergence as a National Merit Scholar (a distinction I proudly share with him) to graduating with a First Class Honour  (we are in that boat together too), to becoming a Professor in 1995 (I left university teaching to become a talking head in the media). He later became the Vice Chancellor of his alma mater in 2007. Oloyede’s tenure as Vice Chancellor in Ilorin was regarded as the brightest moments in that University’s history. He is a focused, committed scholar and a man who pays great attention to details. He has proven his measure as Registrar of JAMB, a position to which he was appointed by President Muhammadu Buhari in 2016. In eight years, Oloyede has turned JAMB around and made it a success story. JAMB used to be an unprofitable government agency, a cesspool of corruption, but today, JAMB makes profit for the Nigerian Government and remains one of the success stories of Nigeria.  Under Oloyede’s watch, the institution has been sanitized.

Oloyede is a perfect example of a good Muslim, a good citizen, a good scholar and a platinum-citizen representing Nigeria well. He calls me “the Deputy Governor” but that is a story for another day. I congratulate him on the occasion of his 70th birthday. President Tinubu describes him as “an exceptional scholar, and an uncommon scholar who has shown rare commitment to financial integrity and accountability in public service”. Governor Dapo Abiodun of Ogun State where Oloyede hails from, says he “remains a leading light among many of his contemporaries and distinctly stands out for his integrity and thorough approach.” He deserves the accolades.

DIG Taiwo Lakanu (rtd) marked his 65th birthday over the weekend, Saturday, 12 October. This is a good man who supported me in the days of struggle. He is a policeman. I am a journalist. But he is one good example of how a policeman can be your friend and I have no doubts that many who know Lakanu would attest to this fact. He is professional, firm, knowledgeable and dependable. With degrees in History and Law, (BA, LL B, B. L, LLM.) he belongs to the elite class of the Nigerian Police, one of those in that profession who could sustain an argument and an intelligent conversation. He rose, not surprisingly to the rank of a Deputy Inspector General of Police. He joined the police in 1986, and served as Commissioner in Imo and Ekiti. He was CP, Lagos Airport Command, AIG, Zone 7, Abuja. He was also Police Secretary.  The only reward for hardwork and distinction is more work. DIG Lakanu has since been recalled for more work by an appreciative government. He served on the Lagos State #EndSARS panel. He is now back in Abuja as a member of the Police Service Commission. He is the Akogun of Lagos. Congratulations, Akogun of the Universe! Live long.

And finally, in two days, one of the persons closest to my heart in this world, Pastor Kayode Owolabi turns 60 on 17 October. We grew up together. We shared dreams together. Our paths may be different. We are brothers, going back to the roots. Work demands would not permit me to travel to England, where he lives, to celebrate his special occasion with him, but he is a man who deserves to be celebrated and he has earned all the successes that he has recorded. Kay, as I used to call him, and now Pastor Kay, is one intense personality; he tells you he wants to achieve a goal, and he will latch on to it and refuse to waiver until he attains that goal. He is a very organised, and deliberate man to the last detail. He used to tell me I am not making enough use of my talents. I think he pushes me too hard. But he means well. He has a generous and kind heart. Growing up together, his family was my family and mine was his too. Armed with a Bachelor’s degree in History, he later obtained a Master’s in Law and Diplomacy (MILD). He worked in a bank for years. Then he found God or perhaps God called him to service as a man of His word. He is today the general overseer and senior pastor of the Everlasting Arms Ministries; a shepherd and author, with headquarters in London. He is constantly travelling all over the world winning souls for Christ. He found his calling. But this is no surprise. His father, EVO Owolabi was also a priest of the Anglican Church. Happy Birthday, Pastor Oluwakayode Babatunde Adeleke Owolabi. God bless you. Your brother salutes you.

Reuben Abati, a former presidential spokesperson, writes from Lagos.