‘Women should have equal access to resources and opportunities especially as widows’ – Oluwaseun Joan Stephen

Scraping your hair in many cultures is used as a psychological tactic to demean a person. It is used as punishment by many cultures. A woman hair is her crowning glory, a symbol of beauty. Are we saying she is no longer deserving because her husband is dead? The dead is gone, can we focus on improving the lives of the ones they left behind. How does balding her make her husband’s death more relevant?

Oluwaseun Joan Stephen is the founder of Patrick Stephen Purple Heart foundation for widows. She is focused on the emotional, mental and financial needs of widows aged 18-40 alongside their children. The graduate of English Language from Olabisi Onabanjo University Ago-iwoye, Ogun state, started the safe space to help young widows rise again, overcome mental limitations and societal expectations. Over the last two years, she has engaged in skill acquisition programmes, therapy sessions and paid fees for their children through her adopt-widow and ‘shop for free’ events. In this interview with IJEOMA THOMAS-ODIA, she speaks on the challenges confronting young widows while helping them live above their circumstance.

You became widowed at a pretty young age, take us through your journey.
That day will be etched in my memory forever. I remember Patrick wore blue jeans with a blue patterned shirt, he had just gotten a haircut the previous day and looked very handsome. I had a feeling he shouldn’t have gone out that day but he insisted. I had even ordered small chops to surprise him. It had been a few hours and I heard a knock on the door. My neighbour told me not to panick and she said my husband had been rushed to a nearby hospital. I took the kids with my heart beating so fast and when I got there and saw him, it was a gory sight. His head was twice it’s size, he was inside a keke napep (tricycle) and had blood everywhere. They didn’t even move him from the keke, it was outside the hospital, they set up an intravenous line inside the keke and flies had already started perching on his blood. The children were screaming while I cried uncontrollably trying to make sense of what had happened. I found out from the police that a bank was moving money and were attacked by armed robbers, the keke, Patrick and the others were in, was caught in the crossfire and sprayed with bullets. Patrick was hit by a bullet in the head.

At what point did you decide you also want to help other widows?
It just happened. I didn’t decide to help anyone. I was sharing my experiences as a young widow on my Instagram page and young widows in their hundreds began reaching out to me with their struggles and needs. As I got more financial support from people I decided to legitimise it by establishing an NGO to enable me do more and so that organisations can take the work that I do seriously.

What has been the major accomplishments of the Patrick Stephen Purple Heart Foundation since inception?
Our major accomplishment is creating a safe space for widows to express themselves without judgement. When we gather, they are free to unburden.
By September 2024 we would have paid 50 million Naira in school fees for children of widows. Our therapy sessions and outreach to give out foodstuff have also been a great success. We have had many events and every woman who attends leaves feeling loved, seen and fulfilled.

This year’s theme of International Widow’s Day is focused on accelerating the achievement of gender equality, what does that portend for you?
I believe women should have equal access to resources and opportunities especially as widows. Widows need empowerment and representation, especially widows under 40. The double standard when it comes to funeral rites and traditional practices need to be scrapped. Why should a widow be forced to drink the water used to bathe her husband’s corpse to prove she didn’t kill him? Why should her head be scrapped, and she is locked in a dark room away from sunlight in the name of tradition?

Why should she be beaten by her husband’s relatives in the name of tradition and made to sleep on the bare floor for seven days eating from the same unwashed plate in the name of tradition. Why are widows condemned when they seek to move on with their lives? Widowers are rolled out the red carpet and don’t have to go through any of these horrible things. Most of our traditions surrounding widowhood are rooted in ignorance and need to be abolished. Someone once confronted me by saying, “you don’t look like a widow” because I dressed nice. Has anyone ever told a man who lost his wife, you don’t look like a widower?
These stereotypes need to stop and it will begin with the widows themselves deciding they will go on to have beautiful lives despite their status.

What other cultural practices are widows exposed to that are harmful and emotionally damaging?
Society doesn’t make it easy for widows. Most of our cultural practices will only foster depression amongst widows. Misery is not a proof of love.
People make it seem that you have to look sad and be utterly miserable to justify your love for your late husband. Women are constantly proving themselves. As a young lady society needs you to prove you are decent and marriageable. As a married woman, you need to prove you are a good wife and mother. Then as a widow you need to prove you were a loving and loyal wife to a dead husband. When does it stop? When will women be allowed to just live and be free? Being locked away from sunlight, told to wear dull clothing for a year, told to scrape your head and other traditions are damaging to a woman mentally and will cause depression. It’s almost like people cherish the dead more than the living because a lot of widows are living as though they are dead. They have lost hope and a shadow of themselves.

How have these practices impacted on their personalities?
Some people think “it’s just tradition” but it runs deep. What are the origins of these traditions and why is it just the womenfolk who are forced to do them? Scraping your hair in many cultures is used as a psychological tactic to demean a person. It is used as punishment by many cultures. A woman hair is her crowning glory, a symbol of beauty. Are we saying she is no longer deserving because her husband is dead? The dead is gone, can we focus on improving the lives of the ones they left behind. How does balding her make her husband’s death more relevant? Secondly, depriving her of sunlight and wearing dark clothing – lack of vitamin D causes depression. I agree there should be a mourning process but is shouldn’t be more than three months or less. When a woman is bereaved we should be trying to get her help, not constantly reminding her of everything that she has lost. Many widows come out of the mourning period, worse than they went in. Some are stopped from going to work and these same people will not support them to pay their bills. It needs to be stopped.

How can the laws and government policies further redeem widows and bring them out of abuse?
There are laws but the issue is enforcing these laws. Unfortunately our justice system is not always just.
The property grabbers who render widows and their children homeless after their relatives burial is something that needs to be addressed. Polices like making sure every family has life insurance in case of a death. And that the spouse and children should be named as beneficiaries and not the man’s brother or mother. Creating centers for widows where complaints can be made, heard and providing free therapy. There is so much to be done.

A major problem is also that widows are not financially stable after losing their support system, what is your take on this?
It is a major problem among widows. That’s why I tell women, have something of your own, no matter how small. What is yours cannot be taken from you. Gain knowledge, develop skills, have secret savings no one knows about. The solution is empowerment. The bigger solution is a mind shift in these women to make them see they can thrive without a man in their lives. Some widows have resigned to begging, in some cases you empower them and they do nothing with it. They still live in the past wishing they had a man to provide for them. We must create skill acquisition programmes and invest in therapy to make their minds ready to stand alone and earn a reasonable income.

What do you hope to see widows do differently while thriving in their various fields of endeavour?
I hope to see widows holding their heads up high. I hope to see them speak up for themselves when someone tries to demean them because they are widows. I hope they know they don’t need to be married for their worth to be validated. I hope they know that life goes on and if they remain in the past they will lose relevance. They must keep evolving, they must go on a journey of self discovery because some of them are currently lost. They must invest in themselves and choose to live again.

What has been your major drive?
My drive is God. That may sound cliche but it’s the truth. It is the word of God that has held me together in four years of being a widow. My children are also a drive for me, they deserve the best life has to offer and being fatherless is not an excuse for them not to have it. God had a vision for how my life should be, that vision will be fulfilled because the most important person in His vision for me is me. As long as I am alive, the show goes on. It is my late husband that died, not me. As long as there is life there is hope. My life will be full and beautiful.

⁠⁠What is your life mantra?
My life mantra keeps evolving and changing for good. Widowhood is not a stop sign.