To every married man and woman

Considering what I have observed in recent times, I would advise every man and woman in marriage not to allow their relationship to become such that it’s a relief, rather than a loss, when they are no longer in the picture for any reason.

I no longer advocate for people to go out of their way for in-laws, as this is often an unrealistic expectation. However, ensure you are not hindering a spouse from fulfilling their role as a son or daughter to their parents or as a sibling.

There are marriages where spouses have severed every other relationship in their lives, particularly ties with parents and siblings, because it’s either that or there will be constant conflict.

I am now beginning to understand why I often felt that a particular acquaintance of mine seemed lost and lonely, despite being married. She recently confided in me that throughout her marriage, her husband didn’t want her family around, and to avoid incurring his wrath, she severed ties with them to the extent that when her father visited her one day, she refused to open the door for him.

This same woman lost her husband a few years ago, and one of the things that gave her a new lease of life was the courage to reconnect with her family. I watch in admiration as she now cares for them, but her only regret is whether she will ever be able to compensate enough for the years she turned her back on them.

Her energy contrasts sharply with what it was when her husband was alive. Back then, her sadness was palpable. It’s unfair when you know how to care for your parents but don’t want your spouse to exert similar effort towards theirs.

Why should it be that way? I believe a spouse takes a cue from your attitude towards your parents. If they know your parents mean a lot to you, they will not overstep certain boundaries with them.

I also resent people who don’t prioritise their parents, and I resent their spouses even more. Do you know that some wives must never find out that their husband gives anything to his parents or siblings, or there will be conflict in the home?

The audacity of some women is astonishing. Do you know where the struggles of life began for that man? Yet, you now feel entitled to everything he owns, to the total exclusion of those who brought him into this world. Can you wish the same experience upon yourself in the hands of your own child? And yet, when life takes a downturn for the man, some wives don’t hesitate to leave.

Many who choose to stay behind resort to treating the man poorly. In all this, I will always say, “You have made your bed, so lie in it,” to the man, because the average man, once he gets married, can be disloyal or self-centred towards his family until his spouse begins to “show him pepper.” It’s often easy for them to turn their backs on everyone and everything else.

I want people to know that it is a curse if your mum or dad has to complain or report you to outsiders before you remember your obligation towards them. And if a spouse or anybody can influence you to neglect your parents, it’s not just a weakness; it’s a curse!

I keep saying this: the man who will not live his later days in regret is the man who understands that the relevance of a wife does not diminish the importance of parents and siblings in his life. Many men learn this lesson far too late. There is a reason you are a son and a brother before you are a husband in the order of creation. None of these relationships should be diminished on account of the other.

Are you aware that life can unfold in such a way that those who will eventually support us are the very people we cared the least for? Just know that no good person will encourage you to neglect your loved ones, especially your parents. If they, including the religious people you turn to for prayers and visions, suggest otherwise, you have a mean soul in your hands.

And you are also a disappointment for even entertaining such thoughts towards your flesh and blood, especially the very parents who brought you into this world. Go and make amends.